girlsdontcry's Diaryland Diary

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I'll accept that some things I'm wrong about, but I still don't believe they really landed on the moon.

I've read that paranoia can be treated with drugs, but that sometimes it can be helped by prescribing a placebo. Which just seems terrible to me, if you're paranoid, if you think people are trying to trick you, and you find out that you've been given a placebo? That's harsh.

As for me? I guess that I know in my heart that there aren't secret cameras in my house filming me. And I also know that my boss probably doesn't have a switch that gives me an electric shock when I stand up and touch my chair. I can convince myself most of the time that it is highly unlikely that anyone on the bus can actually read my thoughts. Or if that fails, I can at least tell myself that they are more likely to be busy reading someone else's more interesting thoughts.

It seems unlikely that the universe is trying to send me a message by leaving single shoes in various locations; it seems unlikely, when I get to thinking about it logically, that the universe can really be bothered to send me messages at all.

But the other ideas are harder to shake. The idea that people only ever say nice things to me to trick me. The idea that if people invite me out, it's because they've all gotten together and talked about me. The idea that everything my mother says is some pointed barb. The general idea that I'm just a bad person.

I'm only just realising how much I think like this. You never hear about this stuff. Because while your average depressive will just blah blah blah on about it until your ears are bleeding, this other stuff, it's too ugly to talk about, it's too nutty. Your average depressed person is right -- it is all meaningless and painful. But this is kind of delusional.

I'm only just realising how exhausting it can be, to constantly question people's motivation, to go through dozens of scenarios in my head about what people really think about me.

I wish I could just relax.

10:31 a.m. - 2002-09-02

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