girlsdontcry's Diaryland Diary

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debrief

Pardon me for being self congratulatory, but I can't believe I was in Paris. For one night only. It seems like a dream, already (except I've got the lipgloss to prove I was there -- hurrah!)

I went to my brother's last night, for our post-parental visit debrief. And gee, he's really much more bitter than I am, he was scathing about my mother's wine-fuelled "you've brought meaning to our lives" speech the night before they left. I'd noticed that he, like me, couldn't look at her; he was railing against her now, calling her cold, and he's falling in to her trap of accusing her of all these horrible motivations, but he was so angry and I'm not going to defend her. Anyway, it's good that he feels even more that way about her than I do, because otherwise I'm tempted to think that I'm just making it up, that she's really done nothing wrong and it's just that I'm being hypersensitive. But he has children, so I think he's more passionate about it, and desperate that his children don't grow up the same way.

We were talking about whether being adopted means you can break the spell of turning into one's mother or father. Because for certain, my mother has turned in to her mother, to some extent, even though my mother is bitter about her mother and thinks that she was, well, cold and difficult.

I don't want to be bitter.

I just want to let it all go. I think I was drunk, telling my brother and his wife that I only keep my parents in my life because I feel sorry for them. I was feeling regretful just now for saying that, but why? I just typed it out, and it's definitely true. I don't need them.

Or want them.

My brother cooked great spaghetti, with prosciutto, radicchio and rosemary, picked fresh from the garden. And this week I'm going to eat properly and sleep properly, because I'm falling apart at the seams, it feels today.




10:42 a.m. - 2003-06-23

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