girlsdontcry's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Happiness Yesterday I went walking and to the park after work, and sitting in the park really did make me feel calm, and I guess that what all those people say about nature and that is all true, in the end. I often walk along the river, trying not to think too much, trying to just look at it and think that it is beautiful and that I am lucky and all of that. But I don't buy it. Other people are happy and they get to walk along the river. I want to be happy and not have my happiness feel like some freshly healed wound that I have to nurse and keep away from salty water or from any kind of pressure in case it starts to hurt again. I mean, I am happy, but I feel like it's happiness teetering on a knife edge. I want it to last. I cried last night too. I think I knew I would. I bought a sad book, a book I'd started reading in a bookstore that made me want to cry already twice in the first 26 pages. So I bought it, because I can cry for stories, because stories are real. Then I was drunk too, and I really did cry. I railed against ... against myself? Against God? It was no huge relief though. The relief was getting up in the middle of the night and going to the toilet. Crying was just, it wasn't anything much. I feel like I should change the name of my diary though. Trade descriptions act, and all that. 1:57 p.m. - 2002-09-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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