girlsdontcry's Diaryland Diary


A hill of beans in this crazy world

While I'm perfectly prepared to admit that my problems don't amount to the proverbial hill of beans in this crazy world, it seems more and more that my life is just adding up to a pile of shit.

I'm 31 years old, I'm horribly in debt with nothing to show for it, and the debt is getting worse. My "career" is going nowhere, I'm in a relatively poorly paid job, a hundred times smarter than my boss and never going to amount to anything in this company. I'm single, with no ability to pull unless very drunk, I live in a rented house with two people I'd never met until six months ago, I kill pot plants, I eat really badly, I'm sick half the time, I have bad clothes, I've never had a hobby, I avoid my family, if my friends didn't organise things I wouldn't ever go out, I hate myself most of the time and there doesn't seem to be much reason not to.

God, it's not as if I was ever thinking that to be a success in life that I would need to be a lawyer or the boss of hundreds of people, with a BMW and a house in the country, and three kids and a husband. But you know, I guess that I thought that I would have something by the time I was 31.

All around me, my friends are moving on, embracing change and maturity, and I'm just wishing that they wouldn't because I don't want them to. And I am jealous of them, not because of what they have or because I don't think that they deserve it. I'm jealous that they just seem to be able to DO stuff, while I'm just hardly even able to finish reading a book.

I'm not saying this so that people will say nice things to me about how I'm clever or funny or something. I just want to see it myself all in one place, and just get some idea of what the fuck I'm going to do about it.

I think the main think I'm worried about is the money. And I need to do something about it. I mean, I always tell myself that, but this year "doing something about it" has been moving debt around in circles and fooling myself that it's getting smaller. But it's not. I need to earn more and/or spend less. Preferably both. And I'm lucky, I can do freelance writing and make money from it, but I have to actually ask people for the work, and I don't know where to start, and I get scared, and I start to procrastinate and then I just don't do it.

My friend's salt-of-the-earth chirpy Cockney chappy dad said: "Trouble isn't trouble if you can get out of it." Or something. And it's true, I can get out of this, but I have to stop wishing for things to happen, and just work at it. And stop thinking that I never get any breaks, and that everyone else is lucky but that the world's got it in for me. Except, I already knew that. So how do I change?

Hi. How are you?

11:33 a.m. - 2003-11-04


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