girlsdontcry's Diaryland Diary

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I am not a man

I'm not the first person, or even in the first million people, who has observed that sometimes you can be lonelier in a crowded room or a big city or a whatever than by yourself. Or in a bed with someone at 4am, 5am, 6am when you are awake and he's asleep and flinches every time your naked flesh makes contact with his, even just for a second, just by accident.

The worst thing about 4am and not being able to turn on the light, or grind your finger into your teddy bear's breastbone and tell it "you don't make me feel like a woman anymore", is that you have too much time to think.

And thinking at 4am, 5am, 6am, the thoughts get all out of proportion just like objects in darkness and shadow do.

I should have said when I wrote this entry that celibacy is a man, because after I embraced it, it left me. I don't know if I miss it that much though.

..........

Today I've spent the same, 1.63 (one Cadbury Creme Egg, one cup of coffee, medium, milk no sugar, one pain au chocolat), but I'm going to go to the pub tonight because, well, because I want to. And you can't stop me. Anyway, as of right now, I've spent 11.87 since Monday out of a possible 25, so I'm doing OK. Only I don't know where supermarket expenditure to get the stuff so I can bring my lunch factors in. If I was a man, I'd know, I bet.

10:51 a.m. - 2003-01-10

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