girlsdontcry's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You may say I'm a dreamer. I suffer from an aversion to permanence. I put off doing things because I'm always sure that I'm going to not be in the same situation for much longer. I've never taken out a pension because I'm always going to leave my job soon. I never try to make my flat nice because I'm always about to move out. I never think about buying somewhere to live because, hey, you never know, I might just want to go and live in Paris in a few months. I'll wait until I buy new clothes when I can just get down to the next size. But the facts are these: I've worked for the same company since 1997; I've lived in the same flat for 11 months; I haven't been to Paris for a long long time, and my French is terrible; and I'm the same size I've been for ages. I don't know. It's not really worth beating myself up about this. I mean, I think I started out this entry with the intention of beating myself up about this. You know, the usual angst... "how do we change, how do we grow, when am I going to stop looking at all the possibilities and just go for something that I want?" But I just looked at my list and fuck it. So -- I don't have a fucking pension or any potplants, do either of those things really matter? I don't even like the French. I don't have a big arse. And I'm a firm believer, I guess, in travelling hopefully. I'm not sure I'm cut out for all this would-be Zen living in the moment that I often tell myself I ought to be doing. I mean, I have a memory, I have a propensity for, well, if not exactly for optimism, just that everything is going to work out the way it's supposed to. I mean, it should be obvious to me. I love the story. I want to know what happens in the end. I can't just sit around and admire the pretty words. .......... This is my 100th entry, and guess what? When I signed up, I was going to get gold membership, but then I thought that I probably wouldn't keep up writing in this diary and it would sit there being billed to me as yet another sign of my failure. Well, I thought that, and also when I looked at this complicated PayPal system, that sort of put me off too. The one thing I should probably stop putting off is getting the huge fucking awful, ever-changing mole on my back cut off. 11:01 a.m. - 2002-10-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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